I DiE eVeRy TiMe... [entries|friends|calendar] *_-Too Bad You're Beautiful-_* [ website | My Space ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(3 hot dancers | are you in?) wishful thinking [14 Jul 2005|01:28pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | none. ] I think everything MIGHT end up okay... things are looking up... maybe. i dont want to speak so soon.

(1 hot dancer | are you in?) Best friends means...i pulled the trigger.... [07 Jul 2005|09:49am] i cant handle it anymore i cant have him in my life anymore it hurts to fucking much he wants me to move on he told to just move on which means he has moved on which breaks my fucking heart because i wish i was strong enough to do so and at one point i was then he brought me back into this i brought myself back into this i did this to myself i broke my own fucking heart i cant help but blame him its about time that someone does and all i can do is tell him that i love him and let him tell me no just shut up and go away and all i can do is listen and walk away what else can i do? its over this time i can fell it all around theres no hope left for me and him and its all to soon to be his friend god i would give anything to be his friend but it hurts to much to be near him give me a week yes all i need is a week and i hope he will talk to me then im so scared he wont talk to me then he doesnt need me... he doesnt love me "like that" anymore... im so...wow, it just fucking hurts. *deep breath in...deep breath out* i need the strength to just move on...from everthing that has recently happened.

(2 hot dancers | are you in?) im bitter...bitter as fuck. i will hurt someone... [02 Jul 2005|08:52pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | akaline trio- stupid kid ] "Good Day" So you dont want to hear about my good song? And you dont want to hear about how i am getting on With all the things that i can get done The sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome So you don't want to hear about my good day? You have better things to do than to hear me say God its been a lovely day! everything is going my way I took out the trash today and i'm on fire... So you don't want to hear about my good friends? You dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence Success is in the eye of the beholder And its looking even better over your cold shoulder I'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning But jesus think about the bridges you are burning And i'm betting That even though you knew it from the start You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart So go ahead and talk about your bad day... I want all the details of the pain and misery That you are inflicting on the others I consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers God its been a lovely day! everything is going my way I took up croquet today and i'm on fire I picked up the pieces of my broken ego I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go But i'd love to have you up to see the place & i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face..... Hey! its been a lovely day! everything is going my way I had so much fun today and i'm on fire God it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way Ever since you went away hey i'm on fire..... I'm on fire... I'm on fire... So you dont want to hear about my good day?

(3 hot dancers | are you in?) ill hunt you down .... [05 Apr 2005|03:04pm] im fucking bitter as hell. and everyone thought that wasnt possible... ha. yeah right. i just proved you all wrong.

(3 hot dancers | are you in?) ahh sleep... [26 Mar 2005|02:59am] that was a good conversation... i love those. i definitly need to have more of those with more people who can handle them...

(1 hot dancer | are you in?) oh what now bitch!? me and kaity can be so emo. [26 Mar 2005|01:14am] [ mood | good ] [ music | some screamo shit ] "Headfirst For Halos" - My Chemical Romance Well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling And now the red ones make me fly And the blue ones help me fall And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts [Chorus] And we'll fly home We'll fly home You and I We'll fly home Well now I'm back in the middle of the day that starts it all. Well I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling. And now these red ones make me fly, And the blue ones help me fall. And I think I'll blow my brain against the ceiling. And we'll fly home, We'll fly home, You and I, We'll fly home. Now honestly that's what I said to her, what I said to her Think happy thoughts. --- i dont even know how i feel about anything anymore, i cant say it i cant describe it, im just trying to make way threw this world by myself and as myself...and thats all i can do...and if you cross my path again, thats great,. if you dont, ill learn to live with that, i think i already have....thats the scarey part... ps. i want my heart back. thank you. no nevermind i dont need it, im destine for meaningless sex the rest of my life that leads to lonlely nights...and well... a life without you.

(are you in?) i love the used...random subject title i swear... [26 Mar 2005|01:08am] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | the used. ] and that my friends... is just how things are... accept it. shit cant be how it was before.

(are you in?) its going to kill me to see you with the next girl ... [23 Mar 2005|05:56am] spent all night on the phone with brian. im glad i still know in my heart that it could never work between me and him. but that doesnt make it any easier. we both needed that month away from eachother. we both needed to know that we could live without eachother. we both know we could never be together and make it work. we both are on the exact same page with everything between me and him...(which was great to find out, he stole the thoughts right out of my mind, two thumbs up.) im just happy to have my friend back, and know me and him are finally cool. plus i get to see marrissa and bradley. yes. but my heart...feels empty...because love failed...and love really isnt enough...and love is just a fancy word for compromise...how disapointing. ...remember when you were really little, and you drempt of finding that perfect guy who you were going to marry and have this fairy tale life with?...then you grew up and realized that there is no prince charming, there arent any happily ever afters, there are no white picket fences, and love is just an understanding... that sets you up to feel the worst pain in the entire world...because when you care about someone enough to say you love them...you open yourself up to more hurt then you even imagined... and it never gets easier...because even time cant erase the memories...or the longing of "what if?" and i knew this conversation between me and him was long and coming, but i remain strong in knowing that i am having the time of my life right now with the greastest friends anyone could ask for, and what is done is done, and its okay... but when he said my name tonight like he used too...my heart stopped...it was beyond my control... its just hard when you still both love eachother so much, but you know it couldnt work because...there are to many reasons to list, your just not right for eachother...finding a way to turn that love into a friendship love, is so hard...its so fucking hard. And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends After all that we've been through I know we're cool We used to think it was impossible Now you call me by my new last name Memories seem like so long ago Time always kills the pain Remember Harbor Boulevard The dreaming days where the mess was made Look how all the kids have grown We have changed but we're still the same After all that we've been through I know we're cool And I'll be happy for you If you can be happy for me

(1 hot dancer | are you in?) dance! [23 Mar 2005|12:55am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | none. ] life my friends has been amazing. me and kaity took up techno dancing. holy shit is that fun!!! i cant stop i just want to dance and dance! im still working on getting a job. me kaity and raka went and got tattoos today. i got a shooting star on my wrist, kaity got the ohm on her hip, and raka seriously got shitface tattooed on her side. funny stuff. i get to go see my mommys new house tomorrow which is pretty cool, and im supposed to go visit brians little brother and sis because i told them that i would go see them...i miss them a lot. umm..nothing else really...just dancing...just lots of dancing!

(8 hot dancers | are you in?) [19 Mar 2005|08:17pm] ugh! ive been so damn meloncholy all fucking day. im not sure why...changing in the weather?...who the fuck knows. i just got done applying at zao island, they are going to call me next week. free mini golf for everyone haha, that job is going to rock. ive been feeling kind of lost lately and sentimental for days gone by, i wish i didnt feel like this, however i cant seem to shake it. im just trying to get my life together and im disapointed in myself that i got off track for awhile. because i was doing really good saving for a car and working, and i was pretty much happy balancing my social life inbetween everything else. i shroomed for the first time this week, and the second time. to many epiphanys while on that drug...maybe thats why my head feels so overwhelmed with emotion. but that is definitly the best drug thus far that ive done. its like what the fuck is going on, yet you know everything...good thing ill never go beyond that...pot and shrooms is where i draw that line and i absolutely dispise drinking now, im writting that off my list of things i take part in. umm...i suppose that is enough for now...ill just sit here and chill with raka...wait for kaity to wake up...wait for people to call...typical day in the life of me.

(2 hot dancers | are you in?) randomness..boardumness..sleepyness...stupidness... hmmm [13 Mar 2005|04:01pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | led zepplin ] i like how kaity and james are still sleeping... lazy butts. i need to shower terriblly and i need to make a few phone calls, i was supposed to make everyone breakfast at my house today but its going on dinner time haha, imagine. i need to fill my days up for next week, so anyone who wants to hang out..you know the number if you are important. oh, and a bus ticket round trip to cali is only 178$... cali...i could quite possiblly be enjoying you sooner than i thought. i cant wait...me and kaity have some vacation planning to do that is for sure... tay<3

(2 hot dancers | are you in?) yes yes yes! [13 Mar 2005|01:22am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | none people talking... ] strangest thing....ive been so damn happy the past few days... i had my final cry over everything the other night and i wrote about 20 pages of just nonsense, and now im perfectly fine... been hanging out with DJ...dave fisher...saw ron the other day... last night me kaity and raka went to alans house and watched davy him craig ryan ron and just people jam out...we did gymnastics and had a blast and then me kaity and raka went to dennys met creepy drunks and then we were like fuck it...lets drive to chicago and then drive back , we were so tired that everything was new...look at the water! look at the buildings! look at the planes! yes yes yes! it was awesome then i went home and slept and kim woke me up and we went to coffee with two of her friends and they were going to the mall and i was like...damn...i want to shop...so $100 later i have a new underoath hoodie and 4 new tank tops haha...then i went to kaitys, raka came...met brooke fred donnie at coffee now im at brookes...whew. thats a lot of shit. i love hanging out with everyone, new people and old...and im so happy that kaity and raka have been like angels to me...always being there no matter what...but hey, what are best friends for? im loving life right now... tay<3 amanda you coming home! you call...i mean it...ill hunt you down...dont think i wont...

(are you in?) take me to another place she said...take me to another town... [08 Mar 2005|07:08am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | phish- if i could ] spin the bottle... late night conversations... warm summer nights that seem endless... that nervous moment before you kiss someone for the first time... long drives... starry nights... Life changing experences... hope...in the future... there are a few things that i miss...and i hope to regain as time goes on...i honestly dont want the memories...i just want to erase them...but keeping each of these things in mind makes waking up tomorrow more exciting... why am i still awake?...to much coffee...i want these fake nails off now...they are driving me insane, they are far to girly for even me... all i can think of right now i california...i just cannot wait...and it better happen damn it! oh it better happen! ... im done rambling about nothing important... tay<3 how long does i take for heartbreak to heal?...nevermind i dont want the bad news...ill get over it.

(2 hot dancers | are you in?) palm trees? beach...LUCKY!... lets start over here... [08 Mar 2005|12:57am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | i love taking back sunday to death ] let me see... ive had a few wake up calls the past few weeks...yes yes i have kim i got your message, do call my cell phone. 331-4073, id like to get some coffee...i owe you an apology as well... me and brian broke up, which was without a doubt for the better because i have my two best friends back...kaity and raka, and i realized what i did to them...and to all of my friends...and i realized how much i lost myself...and although after 8 months of being with someone the heart break can be terrible...everything happens for a reason...and im doing just fine living with my grandma and such...unhealthy relationships are no good anyways... i plan on taking a trip to cali in a couple of weeks with kaity and josh, they are going for good and im just being a brat and using the money i have saved for a car to get out of this town for a little bit...just give my mind a break...theres nothing but drug addicts and the same old shit here, i need a break so i can come back a better person and ready to start the rest of my life with college and shit, i even sent in my FASA stuff. whos proud? i am. i hardly drink anymore...which is a good thing...a very good thing, i defintly had a problem for awhile there, but ive gotten away from it...not the partier i used to be i suppose...i guess everyone grows up some time...ha. im ready for the summer of my life...and for things to start changing and for me to start growing up...it will be nice to see a palm tree too... peace out my nickas...you know the number. use it. id like to hear from a few of you. tay<3

(8 hot dancers | are you in?) i love brian. [26 Jan 2005|10:52pm] [ mood | shitty ] [ music | none. ] i am sitting on the sexiest man alive and i live with him now...there was never a pregnancy scare...or coke. stupid assholes. i hate this damn thing....blah.

(are you in?) i love brian. [04 Dec 2004|08:14pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | brian playing with drum sticks ] once again i must say ... god save me. what should i name the baby? haha fools, beileve everything...

(4 hot dancers | are you in?) [04 Dec 2004|08:12pm] Hmm.. I have not updated in like a month. thats insane, i used to be so addicted to this damn thing. Im still living with my grandparents, and working at claires...i didnt go to work today, too hung over...too tired...didnt want to move out of bed, so i didnt. 7 today i cheated on brian, i don't know what to do...i also tried coke for the first time yesterday and i think i might be pregnant. god save me

(are you in?) [06 Nov 2004|01:26am] i love brian... hahahahha....

(are you in?) niggaaasss [06 Nov 2004|01:24am] im at jasons house with brian sam and jason oblviously...im trashed..haha... good night indeed. fuck you all. no i dont mean it...whahahahahaha

(4 hot dancers | are you in?) and i just wanna confess... (why must this song be in my head?!) [21 Oct 2004|05:20pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | none... ] Let me see, things are good on my end of things...the sun is shining today...its actually nice outside...i dont feel like hibernating although i slept till 2 in the afternoon... last night was fun, i worked until 9:30 but then me and kaity sat in my grandmas driveway and christina jason alex and sam came to visit, we ended up at kaitys house watching this hilarious movie...it was a good night with good friends, and then i spent all night on the phone with brian...we got a lot of shit figured like what the fuck were doing with ourselves...time to start this new plan. so today i went a few places with raka, went and got my paycheck i have to pay my cell phone bill tomorrow, what a joke there goes more then half of my money, but its worth it to me... other then all of that, nothing is new, same old shit is still going on like always...but im not complaining...nope not at all...well at least not right now. ha...amazing. time to go paint my new notebook... question of the moment though, is it possible to trust people agian once they have betrayed you before?... its a scarey thing indeed.

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